Sail On

NOTE: I found this in my drafts from 2009.  I wish I had published it then.  I also wish I could remember the song I'm talking about!  Hopefully I have it somewhere.  I know I have something jotted down in my MacBook that is dead.....

I'm working on my song, "Sail On."  This particular song refers to that "what might have been" feeling that so many of us have about a relationship that never could have worked out in any alternate reality, yet for some reason - maybe there was no goodbye, or an unresolved issue - that pain comes back new whenever that person comes to mind.  This song is about choosing not to wait forever for a ship that will never come in.  It's a painful decision for so many, and not just in love relationships.  This song is about that one thing we can't give up that last shred of hope for - our favorite dirty little secret - the destructive weakness that we cannot stop longing for.  I think everyone that has really lived has at least one.  I have one, and I wish I didn't.  I pray all the time for the Lord to remove the hurt and the longing from me.  It hasn't happened but I've made progress, so I'm hoping that writing "Sail On" will help that along.

I wear my feelings openly.  It is nearly impossible for me to be the least bit nice to someone I don't like; I also can't turn off feelings of love and loyalty no matter what I try.  For example, I still love my first childhood friend (who also happened to be a crush later) - a boy up the street that I was close friends with from age 3 to age 11 when he moved about 15 miles away.  He didn't seem to care if we ever saw each other again after that; I still remember his birthday every year.  I stopped calling a long time ago, though.  It always hurt that I offered complete devotion and forever friendship to him and he only cared when I was around (readily) and was able to just drop me as soon as I was out of sight.  If he were to dig me up on Facebook or something today, I would be so thrilled, forgive him for everything and be able to offer 100% complete devoted friendship again.  That's just the type of friend I am.

My "what might have been" that is referred to by "Sail On" is about such a friend... but multiplied a hundred fold.  I still mourn the friendship, the closeness, the emotional bond.  The person on the other end of the relationship would, I know, never contact me again.  It leaves me wondering... "Am I not smart enough?  Not talented enough?  Did I not offer the right advice?  What is wrong with me?"  I also wonder, "Why was I good enough to be your friend then, and not now?" --well, besides the obvious - I'm not around their hometown anymore -- but also, was I being used to begin with?  Even if I was, I cannot change my feelings of love, devotion and loyalty for this person no matter how hard I try.  I would give nearly anything just to talk to them again.  I literally get a pang of pain in my chest to think about them.  Literally, pain.  And sometimes tears.

So I pray for the grace and strength to change the way I feel and pray that if I ever were faced with this person again that I would behave in a way that would make the Savior proud.  I just wonder...  why do I seemed to be emotionally hard-wired to be like this?  It makes for a very painful existence!  I still cry when recounting the loss of my first friend - and he moved away 22 years ago!  Is there anything I could ever do to change?

My father-in-law is really amazing to me because he overcame his, uh, hard-wired or instinctive reactions, or tendencies, and chose to change his behavior towards others.  I also believe he has been able to choose to change his feelings.  He's talked to me somewhat about these choices - I'm left awed that he was able to do such an amazing thing and baffled as to how he could do it.  I think I'm to the point that I can pretty well choose my reactions - but choosing my feelings isn't something I have ever, ever succeeded at.  I'm an emotional creature, 100%.  I want to learn to control my emotions - maybe then I wouldn't get hurt so much!  Lord, grant me the wisdom and grace to face the thing I want most and know that is not for me, and say:

So if that ship ever comes for me, sail on.

So Four Years Later, I Find My Blog

I faintly remember that I had a blog, and a while ago I even looked for it.  Now that I've found it, I can hardly believe that I have 42 posts..... and quite a bit of content.  I had forgotten much of what I have written, so it's nice to experience it again.

That said, I'm no longer a fan of free blogging platforms, so this blog won't be here for much longer.


I had this explanation typed out of what happened, but I deleted it.  The only thing that matters is that it didn't happen.  My music is still private, basically, only to me.  That's not to say I won't release it all and spill every secret I ever wrote about (mine and those of others) as planned, but it isn't in my immediate plans.

I have 4 followers... hmmm.  I wonder if anyone will see this post before I take the blog down!  If so, leave a comment.  I'd love to hear from you.

The assignment

I called Erin on a whim today and it was utterly wonderful talking to her, even briefly.  Man, we just seem to convey so much information, even in a few minutes!  I also find it very healing to speak with her, and hope that she feels that way, too.  One topic of conversation is my depression lately and how I feel that I could have become an international treasure by now (as a performing artist and a songwriter) if I had applied myself more to my craft and really pursued my dreams.  She reminded me in the most loving way that if I focus on what I could have done by now that it will prevent me from claiming my future achievements.  "You are an amazing songwriter.  Now you have Melodiuus Records.  You have dreams to fulfill now, so you need to get to it."  She's right!  I just need to drop those could-haves and blaze forward!

"Give me an assignment," I said, "and I'll write it tonight."  Without hesitation she rattled off a scenario that I need to write about, in the key of D flat.  Major or minor, she didn't specify.  I'm thinking minor.  We'll see.  I have some ideas already written that are along the lines of her topic.  She wants me to write about a woman who is faced with a situation where the man who is everything she ever wanted (but not necessarily everything she needed) is now offering her the world.  OK, that sounds cliche now that I have written it out.  Imagine that the man has already broken her heart and left her, and she knows better, but despite what her head tells her, Bad Boy is all that her broken heart could ever desire.  There's a lot of latitude with this situation.  Will she follow her heart and destroy the lives of everyone she knows including her own?  Does she let that ship sail on, even though it is her greatest, and perhaps only, desire?  Does she try to find some balance, with one foot on the shore and one in the water?  So many people can relate to this type of situation.  I can.  It shouldn't be hard to write about.

In fact, some of my recent work fits right in to this scenario, or could with a little massaging... "All the King's Horses" comes to mind, as does "Sail On."  I'm off to the music room, and look forward to calling Erin tomorrow with my homework!  I wonder... what will my grade be?!

Looking forward, looking up

OK, I admit it.  I've been avoiding my blog.  Avoiding it.  To be truthful, I didn't want to seem complainy or publish my fears and disappointments.  Let's just say I hit snags with finances for the business and for my project, with the web design firm overseas and have hit more setbacks.  I don't know how I ever thought I would get a CD done in 2 months, though I also didn't set out to create a record label along the way.  Therefore I didn't plan to become the CEO of said record company or - gasp! - to sign other artists!  Yet here I am, on the verge of doing just that as well!

My graphic artist, Valerie, and I have collaborated to come up with an awesome logo concept and a look for the site that is awesome, and lovely, and inspiring!  I can't wait for the site to launch!

My assistant and I are looking at possible office spaces.  It's a scary thought, but I am open to the possibility of having an office, and office hours!  It's hard to contemplate such a high monthly cost without knowing what the monthly income from the business will be.  That's why I'm thinking about it.

Meanwhile I'm working on a business plan and may be able to secure help writing a good one.  I think my business model has a lot of merit because the approach is well rounded and there are so many avenues of income:

CD sales

CD downloads

Demo downloads

Individual song downloads

Songbook downloads

Individual sheet music downloads

Guitar tablature downloads

Choral sheet music sales

Licensing to other artists

Merchandise sales

Advertising

When I went over this at the bank, I had several bankers just shake their heads in awe and tell me they've never heard such a good business plan, and they were falling all over themselves to help me.  Not only that, they can't wait to see the site and get their hands on the CD!  One of the bankers even plays the guitar and might be helping me out!

Despite being down for the last little while and wondering if I will ever make this dream a reality, I've come to the conclusion that the Lord brought me to it, and he'll help me through it.  He will make a way. 

My husband, Shane is an enormous support.  Of course he's hesitant about basically any financial risk, but he's neck and neck with my mother for #1 fan!  I can't tell who's winning that race - probably still my mom but he is one determined and dedicated guy!

I will be updating weekly, at least.  Please leave a comment or send me an email - I need the encouragement!

The Loooove Song

It's settled.  I'll stay with Alicia when I go back to Grand Rapids for the father-daughter ball.  I think I can fit the keyboard into the Beetle one way or another (hopefully with the top still up!) if I unscrew it from the stand.  Otherwise I know the guitar case will fit.  Anyway, I'll be meeting her man at last, and I'm bringing some of my song ideas with me, interviewing them and hopefully completing one of the songs for their wedding.  I really love getting assignments... well I wasn't assigned to do this by them, but when the need for a song arises, it makes it easier to produce said song.  Maybe I really do work better under pressure!

Now that I've returned from Utah with my writing, it really is stunning just how much of it there is!  There are 5 enormous boxes of papers and all of it is either creative writing or college papers.  I found a web site that purchases quality college papers, and I could probably make a fair bit of money selling mine!  Hmmm, now that's an idea!  I could put that toward the business.  But I digress.  There is a LOT of writing material and I have not gone through it all yet.  I did pick out the best song ideas as I went along though, and brought those home in my luggage, so I'll be able to pick out maybe 10 or so that I can sample to Alicia and Greg so that they can give me an idea of what they would like to hear at their wedding, which tunes they prefer and what of their lives, and their love, I can add to "their" song.

It's just lovely to be invited to participate in weddings, especially weddings of people so dear to me as Alicia.  I can't wait.

The thought of being Flashed

Wow, if I award my web site project tomorrow, I could be fully Flashed and rolling THIS MONTH!  The thought of being all over the web and YouTube so soon is both thrilling and terrifying.  I decided to spend some funds on laying the groundwork for my record label, which isn't project-specific, but it's better than just recording songs until I ran out of money.  At least this way I can offer music to the public and even start selling demo tracks and sheet music to a few impatient fans (you know who you are!).  Any sales will go toward completing the project, since I've diverted project funds to start a business, and that wasn't planned.

A friend of a friend is an expert in helping people draw up business plans.  I have a strong idea of what I'm doing, but I need to have a plan on paper that will make business sense, so I'm hoping to acquire his services.  Just verbally telling my bankers about my plan (launching the CD on my site, CDBaby, and iTunes, simultaneously with the songbook, sheet music downloads for piano, guitar and full orchestration) really impressed them.  They were especially interested in the financial reasons I chose to start a record label as a business to launch my CD on (and a publishing company for the sheet music).  Based on my strong plans and the research I had done, they pulled some strings for me to help make my dream happen, and fast!  They all know me by name now and usher me right in to sit down and take care of my business regardless of whoever else is in the bank (most of them are heading for the teller windows anyway).

I'm still considering the company in India but I'm also considering other companies and individuals who could do my Flash site.  They all have impressive examples to show and they all have the potential to do a great job.  It's a difficult decision to make!  More soon.  Curly girl is in need of her mother!

Cost per CD, now and in the future.

So I get this email from a VP at DiscMakers and now I am convinced, they really like being helpful.  He pointed out that they have ways to keep the cost of the initial run of the CD down, etc.  After talking it over with my friend Lynn I decided that it may be a better idea to keep the run around 300 instead of 1000, because although that would make the cost per CD something around $3 each, that would help me use less of my initial budget for pressing CDs and leave more room in the budget for studio time.  Future runs could be a higher quantity, and thus a lower cost.  I have given myself a $5000 budget.  $5000/$15 per CD = ~333 CDs that must be sold in order to recoup the initial investment.  The thing I'm struggling with is... how do I keep it all separated?!  I have a sole proprietorship, which is a record label.  I am the only artist presently on the label.  Do I treat the business as me and vice versa?  Or do I view it as I'm an act signed to my label and therefore the money I've spent starting my business should not count toward the project?  Man, I need an accountant!

Shout out to the DiscMakers dudes.  You'll be hearing from me... when the songs have been recorded!