The assignment

I called Erin on a whim today and it was utterly wonderful talking to her, even briefly.  Man, we just seem to convey so much information, even in a few minutes!  I also find it very healing to speak with her, and hope that she feels that way, too.  One topic of conversation is my depression lately and how I feel that I could have become an international treasure by now (as a performing artist and a songwriter) if I had applied myself more to my craft and really pursued my dreams.  She reminded me in the most loving way that if I focus on what I could have done by now that it will prevent me from claiming my future achievements.  "You are an amazing songwriter.  Now you have Melodiuus Records.  You have dreams to fulfill now, so you need to get to it."  She's right!  I just need to drop those could-haves and blaze forward!

"Give me an assignment," I said, "and I'll write it tonight."  Without hesitation she rattled off a scenario that I need to write about, in the key of D flat.  Major or minor, she didn't specify.  I'm thinking minor.  We'll see.  I have some ideas already written that are along the lines of her topic.  She wants me to write about a woman who is faced with a situation where the man who is everything she ever wanted (but not necessarily everything she needed) is now offering her the world.  OK, that sounds cliche now that I have written it out.  Imagine that the man has already broken her heart and left her, and she knows better, but despite what her head tells her, Bad Boy is all that her broken heart could ever desire.  There's a lot of latitude with this situation.  Will she follow her heart and destroy the lives of everyone she knows including her own?  Does she let that ship sail on, even though it is her greatest, and perhaps only, desire?  Does she try to find some balance, with one foot on the shore and one in the water?  So many people can relate to this type of situation.  I can.  It shouldn't be hard to write about.

In fact, some of my recent work fits right in to this scenario, or could with a little massaging... "All the King's Horses" comes to mind, as does "Sail On."  I'm off to the music room, and look forward to calling Erin tomorrow with my homework!  I wonder... what will my grade be?!

Looking forward, looking up

OK, I admit it.  I've been avoiding my blog.  Avoiding it.  To be truthful, I didn't want to seem complainy or publish my fears and disappointments.  Let's just say I hit snags with finances for the business and for my project, with the web design firm overseas and have hit more setbacks.  I don't know how I ever thought I would get a CD done in 2 months, though I also didn't set out to create a record label along the way.  Therefore I didn't plan to become the CEO of said record company or - gasp! - to sign other artists!  Yet here I am, on the verge of doing just that as well!

My graphic artist, Valerie, and I have collaborated to come up with an awesome logo concept and a look for the site that is awesome, and lovely, and inspiring!  I can't wait for the site to launch!

My assistant and I are looking at possible office spaces.  It's a scary thought, but I am open to the possibility of having an office, and office hours!  It's hard to contemplate such a high monthly cost without knowing what the monthly income from the business will be.  That's why I'm thinking about it.

Meanwhile I'm working on a business plan and may be able to secure help writing a good one.  I think my business model has a lot of merit because the approach is well rounded and there are so many avenues of income:

CD sales

CD downloads

Demo downloads

Individual song downloads

Songbook downloads

Individual sheet music downloads

Guitar tablature downloads

Choral sheet music sales

Licensing to other artists

Merchandise sales

Advertising

When I went over this at the bank, I had several bankers just shake their heads in awe and tell me they've never heard such a good business plan, and they were falling all over themselves to help me.  Not only that, they can't wait to see the site and get their hands on the CD!  One of the bankers even plays the guitar and might be helping me out!

Despite being down for the last little while and wondering if I will ever make this dream a reality, I've come to the conclusion that the Lord brought me to it, and he'll help me through it.  He will make a way. 

My husband, Shane is an enormous support.  Of course he's hesitant about basically any financial risk, but he's neck and neck with my mother for #1 fan!  I can't tell who's winning that race - probably still my mom but he is one determined and dedicated guy!

I will be updating weekly, at least.  Please leave a comment or send me an email - I need the encouragement!

The Loooove Song

It's settled.  I'll stay with Alicia when I go back to Grand Rapids for the father-daughter ball.  I think I can fit the keyboard into the Beetle one way or another (hopefully with the top still up!) if I unscrew it from the stand.  Otherwise I know the guitar case will fit.  Anyway, I'll be meeting her man at last, and I'm bringing some of my song ideas with me, interviewing them and hopefully completing one of the songs for their wedding.  I really love getting assignments... well I wasn't assigned to do this by them, but when the need for a song arises, it makes it easier to produce said song.  Maybe I really do work better under pressure!

Now that I've returned from Utah with my writing, it really is stunning just how much of it there is!  There are 5 enormous boxes of papers and all of it is either creative writing or college papers.  I found a web site that purchases quality college papers, and I could probably make a fair bit of money selling mine!  Hmmm, now that's an idea!  I could put that toward the business.  But I digress.  There is a LOT of writing material and I have not gone through it all yet.  I did pick out the best song ideas as I went along though, and brought those home in my luggage, so I'll be able to pick out maybe 10 or so that I can sample to Alicia and Greg so that they can give me an idea of what they would like to hear at their wedding, which tunes they prefer and what of their lives, and their love, I can add to "their" song.

It's just lovely to be invited to participate in weddings, especially weddings of people so dear to me as Alicia.  I can't wait.

The thought of being Flashed

Wow, if I award my web site project tomorrow, I could be fully Flashed and rolling THIS MONTH!  The thought of being all over the web and YouTube so soon is both thrilling and terrifying.  I decided to spend some funds on laying the groundwork for my record label, which isn't project-specific, but it's better than just recording songs until I ran out of money.  At least this way I can offer music to the public and even start selling demo tracks and sheet music to a few impatient fans (you know who you are!).  Any sales will go toward completing the project, since I've diverted project funds to start a business, and that wasn't planned.

A friend of a friend is an expert in helping people draw up business plans.  I have a strong idea of what I'm doing, but I need to have a plan on paper that will make business sense, so I'm hoping to acquire his services.  Just verbally telling my bankers about my plan (launching the CD on my site, CDBaby, and iTunes, simultaneously with the songbook, sheet music downloads for piano, guitar and full orchestration) really impressed them.  They were especially interested in the financial reasons I chose to start a record label as a business to launch my CD on (and a publishing company for the sheet music).  Based on my strong plans and the research I had done, they pulled some strings for me to help make my dream happen, and fast!  They all know me by name now and usher me right in to sit down and take care of my business regardless of whoever else is in the bank (most of them are heading for the teller windows anyway).

I'm still considering the company in India but I'm also considering other companies and individuals who could do my Flash site.  They all have impressive examples to show and they all have the potential to do a great job.  It's a difficult decision to make!  More soon.  Curly girl is in need of her mother!

Cost per CD, now and in the future.

So I get this email from a VP at DiscMakers and now I am convinced, they really like being helpful.  He pointed out that they have ways to keep the cost of the initial run of the CD down, etc.  After talking it over with my friend Lynn I decided that it may be a better idea to keep the run around 300 instead of 1000, because although that would make the cost per CD something around $3 each, that would help me use less of my initial budget for pressing CDs and leave more room in the budget for studio time.  Future runs could be a higher quantity, and thus a lower cost.  I have given myself a $5000 budget.  $5000/$15 per CD = ~333 CDs that must be sold in order to recoup the initial investment.  The thing I'm struggling with is... how do I keep it all separated?!  I have a sole proprietorship, which is a record label.  I am the only artist presently on the label.  Do I treat the business as me and vice versa?  Or do I view it as I'm an act signed to my label and therefore the money I've spent starting my business should not count toward the project?  Man, I need an accountant!

Shout out to the DiscMakers dudes.  You'll be hearing from me... when the songs have been recorded!

So... what's in a name, anyway?

When I was younger I knew I wanted to be a recording artist, but I never liked my name that much: Tricia Sturgis.  It didn't sound like a professional name to me.  I actually wanted to change my last name to McLaurin, which is a family name on my mother's side, and shorten my first name to Trish.  Trish McLaurin seemed like just the thing.  And yes, I've already heard the speeches from my sister and mother about spelling Trish with the "sh" spelling when my given name is the "ci" spelling.  To this I say... blech!  I would constantly be correcting people pronouncing Trich like a word that rhymes with "stitch" - and telling them, "No, it's Trich, like MICHigan!"  No, I'm not going to do that every day of my life.  Trish it is.  I like it that way!

But I digress.  I never changed my surname to McLaurin, legally.  I ended up getting married and now my last name is Pulley.  So what should I do?  If you're reading this, register in and let me know what you think.  Should I use my married name and go with Trish Pulley or stick to the plan and go with Trish McLaurin?  I identify with my grandmother's side of the family, with my Irish heritage, and love the name.  I think it suits my musical style well.  Then again I have married into the Pulley family and love that name, too.  I guess I should pray about it and... well... ask my husband his opinion!

Plans in the making...

I've decided that some funds need to be dedicated to the online presence of Melodiuus Records and myself as an artist, so that I can better execute my plan.  For anyone just joining us, the plan is to release 20 to 30 home videos of me singing various songs I've written or co-written, then let the listeners decide what goes on the CD!  Everyone who listens will be having a say, because I'll be determining 8 of the tracks on the CD two ways: I'll be counting the number of total listens, and I'll be counting votes submitted through the website.

I'm a member of elance.com and have now submitted a project plan and I'm receiving bids for the completion of this website.  It's interesting as the bids come in, because there's such a large difference in the price providers want to charge and also what they're able to tell about their skills.  One company from India sent me the link to a sample Flash site they did for a record label, complete with letting me log into the admin section and play around with the controls.  COOL!  It's really quite stunning and I imagine they could customize it for me and I would be thrilled to pieces.  The communication from the company has been very professional and their examples speak for themselves.  Some of the providers submitted cheaper bids, but their example sites look like something from the mid- to late- 1990s.  I've also noticed lower approval ratings from their past customers, so they're unlikely to be awarded my project.

Tomorrow I head back to Chase to see what is involved in getting the merchant account, so I can be ready to sell my CDs, sheet music, merchandise, and whatnot on the website as soon as it's available.

I can't believe this is really happening!

Alicia's wedding

My friend Alicia is getting remarried - on my anniversary!  I've been lined up to sing at that gig before she even met the guy.  No kidding!  Really she is such a sweet person and a dear friend, and it's my honor to sing for her wedding.  I offered to write a song for the occasion, so she and Greg are excited about that.  As it happens I found a song idea I started eons ago: "You're all that I want or ever will need; I dreamed you're my eternity."  I can't wait till they visit and I get to know Greg, and to see Alicia so totally in love!

A small victory

I just learned that I'll get a 100% refund for the software debacle.  I was shipped an academic/institutional version of Finale 2009 which I'm unable to use because the academic affiliation must be proven before the program can even be installed and set up!  The seller wouldn't help me, so after 3 weeks I took it to amazon.com, and they had me ship it to them.  I was worried about not getting a full refund because Evan had ripped the box open, but to my relief I did get the whole amount.  Now I wonder if the seller purposely shipped the academic version to pocket the extra $200?  No way to tell for sure, I guess.  Anyway, I ordered the software again on amazon.com, this time through another seller.  I like the amazon.com A to Z guarantee.  I don't feel like I'm taking a chance ordering this expensive software through them, because they came through on the guarantee the first time and protected me.  My only issue now *sigh* is that expedited shipping isn't available, so the software is scheduled to arrive no later than March 16.  I originally set out to get this on January 2!  Yeah, not only is my 2-month deadline blown to hades, late Spring is now probably out of the question.  I haven't had luck with any of the music software on Shane's computer or on my laptop, to my chagrin.  I guess Windows Vista is not backwards compatible?  I don't know.  All I know is that none of the software I bought would install to either computer.

The good news is that now I have purchased 2 licenses for Noteworthy Composer.  As it turns out Erin didn't have good music notation software to use, so I told her she could use one of my licenses.  I'm only one person, after all, and at the moment I'm unable to use either license.  Maybe I will be hand-scoring my music after all (for a while) and sending it to Deven in the snail mail.  SAD!  This is 2009!  Isn't it?  ISN'T IT?

Setting up my music space

Well I've purchased a Yamaha DGX-500 Digital Grand - I thought it would be a digital piano, but when I went to see it, it turned out to be a very nice keyboard that screws onto a sturdy stand and has its own bench.  It doesn't have weighted keys, which is what would make it a digital piano in my mind; however, it has a display screen that shows the notes I'm playing on a music staff which I find helpful, so that was the deciding factor for me in getting this.  I parked it in Jill's room and the kids spent an hour playing it before I kicked them out.

It feels really good to have a space to create music.  I know that with a guitar, practically any place can be space to create music, but I grew up having a piano room to create in, and even if I have to share this one with Jill's bed (which she doesn't use anyway) and a few toys, that's alright with me.

The web site is official!

I registered melodiuusrecords.com and melodiuus.com for 5 years each.  I'll probably use melodiuusrecords.com as the main one and just have melodiuus.com point to the other.

Oh how cute - my baby just showed up at the top of the steps and talked to me.  She's on her way over.  LATER!  :-)

Making Melodiuus Legal

On February 11, 2009 I made Melodiuus Records legal.  First I went down to a local store that does mailing and rents out mail boxes (not the post office kind, but they look similar).  I rented a "personal mail box" that is the physical address of my company.  The owner of that establishment informed me that I could not use this address to register the business because the state would need to know where I am, and that the box is just to receive mail.  This seemed to be a wrinkle in the plan, so I thought perhaps I might have to get permission from our front office at the town homes where we live to register the business using our personal address.  Ah well, on to the next stop.  I can play within the rules, as long as I know what they are.

Contrary to the instructions I found online, the Secretary of State's office told me that they were not the place to go.  They directed me to the County Clerk's office, where I filled out two short forms and soon had DBAs for Melodiuus Records and Melodiuus Publishing Company.  It is interesting to note here that the clerk asked me for both addresses - the one that will be the address of the company (the PMB) and my home address, and didn't require a letter from the apartment community.  The process was really fast because there was one line for legal and criminal matters and a second line for records matters, and the latter was a very short line.  Registering the DBAs was simple and fast and the clerk was helpful.  She told me that to get a business license I should go to the State of Michigan website and sign up for one.  She also said that I could apply for the retail license there, since Melodiuus will be selling some CDs directly to the public.  At the end of my visit to the county clerk's office, the clerk announced that I could advertise and do business in Oakland County, State of Michigan.  I think that it took me fifteen minutes or so for the entire trip - time well spent!

I headed to Chase bank to take care of another transaction, and while I was there, I asked what forms are needed in order to begin a business banking account.  I showed the forms I had with me and apparently that was all I needed in order to get started.  While I was speaking with bankers Tina and Amy, I told them of my business plan to simultaneously release my CD and various forms of sheet music for all the songs.  They were also fascinated to hear about the research I had done about the financials of CD sales and why I chose to start my own record label.  They were so impressed with my business plan that they got special approval to open the accounts and gave me some kind of upgraded account or something.  I have to look at the papers to remember exactly what they did.  The business online banking is so much cooler than I could have imagined!  It can even do payroll and takes care of all the taxes!

So now I have business banking and I put the $5000.00 I budgeted for this project into it.  Some of that will obviously have to go toward the startup costs for the record label, so my project budget will actually be less unless I make an additional investment.  Now I'm going to start filing expense reports and reimbursing myself for expenses I've already paid for that I have receipts for.  Here's another cool thing that the bankers let me know about: their system keeps track of all the expenses by category and can total them at the end of the year.  I know from past experience how many dozens of hours of work that will save me!

Now I have to consider what things to expense.  I don't think that I should count the musical instruments in the cost of this project, because I'll be using them for years and hopefully through many projects.  The instruments are a personal expense, right?  The trip to Olivet should probably count toward this project, and part of the trip to Utah (the last half of the trip).  Luckily Utah was a pretty low-budget trip.

I know that having the CDs pressed through DiscMakers will cost in the neighborhood of $2300.00, so I'm hoping there's some budget left for studio time, or else I'm going to have to become a Garage Band expert or figure out how to expand the budget.

A name, at last!

OK, there is a lot to update.  I packed up my baby daughter and took her to Utah for a 9-day trip that turned into a 10-day trip.  During that time, lots happened.

Notably, I finally named my record label!  I sat straight upright in the night and said aloud, "Melodiuus Records!"  And from that moment, that was the name - odd spelling and all.  It's an Old English spelling of the word "melodious" - more trademarkable, I would think.  As long as all goes well at the Secretary of State's office tomorrow (crossing fingers that I will be able to go!) then Melodiuus Records it shall be.  I love it and I think it fits me well, since I'm best known for my beautiful melodies.  I once thought of maybe naming a daughter Melody, but ultimately decided that I didn't want to name my kid any name that could be shortened to "Mel" or "Kat."

The trip didn't turn out quite as planned; Jill came down with the flu right away and so did I.  I was sick for a few days, but she was sick for a whopping 9 days!  I had to lengthen our trip by a day because of it.  Jilly was miserable for the whole trip but Nana & crew still got lots of good baby love.  She had a short visit with each of her great-grandmothers but screamed through both, and neither great-grandma got a hug.  We're planning on going back as a family in July and have hopes of a healthier, and huggier, time then!

Although the trip got out to a yucky start, I spent 2 nights at my friend Erin's parents' home (at her insistence) writing and resting.  I also took a drive up Ogden Canyon and in some other scenic areas I remembered from years past.  I'd just had a conversation with a close friend about a situation she's dealing with, which inspired me to write "All the King's Horses" during the drive.  The title to that one may change.

Erin and her daughter returned from California near the end of my trip.  We spent a few hours Wednesday writing at her grandmother's home and then at her apartment in Salt Lake City.  I was supposed to fly out the next day so the schedule wasn't going to leave us much time to finish our project, so the extra day that we needed for Jill's health kind of provided a little relief there too.  I got to have dinner with Erin, her husband, Adam, and their daughter Quinn. 

I was very pleased that of all the song ideas I brought with me, the one Erin connected with and chose to work on was "Evening Song."  The Song.  I've been trying to finish that one for over 10 years!  It's also one of the most beautiful songs I've written and everyone who's heard it loves it.  Erin and I crafted a second verse together, chose to repeat a section as a chorus and agreed to add a climactic bridge later to finish it off.  She's going to be opening for Fictionist next month and may include the song in her set.  We each connect with the song in our own way, and even at this early stage I can tell that both of us will have lovely recordings of it.  Erin also changed the chord progressions to something so... interesting, so pretty, and it seems to make the meaning of the words even deeper.  She performs with a friend who plays the viola and played a bit of an idea for a viola part that will be awesome.

Now we've been back in Michigan for several days and I've been serving as barfmaid for all of our guys!  Apparently we brought the flu home with us after all.  Evan is the last one puking.  I'm hoping that later today I'll be able to go out and make Melodiuus official.  I'm also in search of a digital piano and plan to make Jill's room into a combined music room and bedroom for her.  She doesn't even fill half of it with her little bed and dresser so there's plenty of room for me to share.  We also both love butterflies and fairies, so we'll be good "roommates!"

Beautiful Journey

This journey has had a slower start than I would have liked, but I've noticed that the scenery is so much more lovely at a walk than at a gallop.  In a few days my baby daughter and I will be traveling to Salt Lake City, Utah.  She'll be spending the trip giving some baby love (and man does she give good baby love!) to loads of family members that are just dying to meet her.  I will be coming and going throughout our 9-day trip, spending much of my time there writing music.

What a privilege this is!  I am so excited!  Utah is a really magical place.  I think I would like to go on a car tour of the canyons and (weather permitting) even some of the mountain areas that can be reached by car.  There's a particular song I need to finish that I started when Shane and my heart moved back to Utah without me.  I languished over him and these lyrics were borne out of my pain:

My heart is breaking in Utah

Though my feet have never trodden there

And I wander Zion's lovely hills

In my mind I smell the mountain air

Sweet as a baby's breath

I smell the mountain air

The song has a really lovely, haunting melody and anyone that's ever heard it has loved it.  Shane and I have resolved our painful issues, married, lived in Utah for a number of years and have now moved away.  I'm hoping that a tour of Utah's lovely scenery will bring back some of those feelings - the sorrow and the hope - that kept me going all those years ago.

I also get the joy of watching my daughter fall in love with her cousins, aunts and uncles (and vice versa).  I always relish those first days together and first pictures.  Jill has renewed my belief in pre-mortal memories.  She lived with my parents for the first 13 months of her life and was naturally extremely close to them.  When she was 16 months old Nana and Papa visited us from Utah and met her for the first time.  To my utter delight, Jill met them as if she had known them for years and was overjoyed to meet them again!  She even refused to leave Nana's arms to come to Mommy - unheard of for her!  During that short visit the love and bond I witnessed between my daughter and her Nana and Papa was absolutely every bit as deep, cemented and real as her relationship with Grandma and Grandpa.  I swear this on everything I know: babies remember heaven!  We knew one another before we were born, because we were there, too.

This is going to be a wonderful trip.

Taking another trip!

I took Shane's suggestion and booked a flight for myself & my daughter Jill, 19 months, to visit Utah between January 27 and February 5.  While there I'll be spending some time with Erin Schefer, a friend from my days in Orlando, Florida.  She's a phenomenal songwriter and generally an amazing person.  I can't wait to see her!  I'm going to see how many of my other musical friends I can reconnect with while I'm in town.

This will also be the first time that most of Shane's family will be able to meet Jill!  I know they'll miss the boys but also that they will have a great time getting to know Jilly Bean.  I'm also excited to be able to meet the other 3 babies that were born in 2007!  Heh heh heh, I'm gonna get me some baby love!!!

So I'll be traveling with Jilly... and suitcases... and probably a car seat... probably no hope of bringing my guitar.   Waaaah!

Starting a Record Label

Hey, isn't the World Wide Web the handiest thing ever?  I typed "How do I start a record label?" into Google and found this article which explains in detail how to start a record label.  As it turns out, independent artists are effectively becoming a record label when they release their own music, whether or not they formally start their label as a business.  Good, I'm on the right track!  Seems there's lots of other interesting links to check out another time when it isn't 5 in the morning.  Good thing I've already had 5 hours of sleep!  I think at this point I could get up with the kids and give hubby a much-desired sleep-in.  Grady doesn't have school today so we can all stay in our pajamas.  I'll play my new song for the kids when they wake up!  Oh, Evan is sleeping on Jill's Tinkerbell couch in the living room tonight.  I have been sitting on the couch, alternately playing my guitar (softly) and typing on my laptop.  At one point he sat up, but remained asleep.  He would start to slump over, catch himself, start to fall over the other way, catch himself again... this went on for like 5 minutes.  I was laughing so hard that I'm surprised he didn't wake up!  Now he's comfortably laying down again and doesn't seem bothered in the least by my small amount of noise.

Overflowing

I'm writing a pretty song tonight.  It's so me.  The narrator beckons her lover to meet her in Camelot - to leave behind winter, bondage, distance or whatever else keeps them apart and meet her in the only perfect place they will ever know - their dreams.

I reconnected with an old friend from Florida tonight.  That was cool.  I need to reach out to those who have always loved and supported my music and who have encouraged me to create my CD and to share it with the world.

Just tonight I started tossing around a new idea.  This is kind of outrageous to me, but... it could work!  What if I made a video of me singing each song and put it on YouTube.  People who follow this blog will be able to follow all the songs as they come out, listen to everything and help me decide which tunes go on the CD!  I could either do that by voting or by sheer number of plays on each video.  That way I would be in touch with what people like and I could invest the time and money into developing the songs that are really touching people.  This could also give people a chance to discover me and generate a little interest as things go along.  When the CD has finished production and is at DiscMakers getting finished, I could start taking pre-orders so that the first press of the CD won't have to sit around - as soon as it's available from DiscMakers, Shakia and I can start shipping them.

I can't believe I'm going to be on CD Baby and on iTunes simultaneously with my first CD release.  My ringtones will even be available for sale!  Is this insane or what?  I never dreamed this could be possible when I was young.  All I knew was that Merle Haggard had given me the dream of becoming a songwriter the moment I first heard "This Song is Mine" in 1981 (I turned 6 that year).  I didn't want to be Merle, but I loved what he wrote and decided that someday I, too, would be able to write music like he did.  Man, what I wouldn't give to meet Merle and tell him that!

Well off I go to work on "Camelot" some more, and perhaps on "Wholeness of Heart."

Wholeness of Heart!

I can't believe this!  I decided to buy a new wallet today.  While transferring my cards, stamps and other miscellany into the new wallet, I discovered a piece of paper that I'd stuffed into the nether regions of the old wallet.  I pulled out the paper, unfolded it and exclaimed, "I forgot all about this song.  This is a good one!"  There in red ink with purple chord notations was my song, "Wholeness of Heart."  It isn't dated, but I know I wrote it when we lived in Utah, probably around 2005.  I was writing it about my reaction to Shane's marriage proposal.

If you will hold me

With loving kindness

Need me more than you need breath

If you will love me

With no end or start

And a wholeness of your heart

And a wholeness of heart

If I ever wrote a love song, this is it.  Of course, I remember the tune now that I see what I wrote and I could sort this out with a little time at a piano or keyboard because I have the chord notations.  I'm so excited to see this!

This reminds me of something Chara suggested.  I told her that I have 3 boxes of precious things left in Utah, and that I believe I have my 200 or so songs that I wrote in high school among those things, plus a plethora of song ideas, many of which are really good.  I always got the best song ideas while dreaming and during periods of prolific creativity I would wake up with a new idea every day.  But I digress.  Chara said that getting the songs and ideas from the precious things boxes would be critical to getting this album done.  Actually, I really feel it will be the watershed moment for the project and a huge turning point in my life - coming back to myself, writing again, and reconnecting with music I wrote eons ago but haven't played in forever.

I sent a mail to my mother-in-law asking her when she can come back, but Shane suggested instead that I take Jill and make a trip to Utah.  I can get the precious things, spend some time writing and the family can meet the baby.  Maybe if I do that I can spend some time with Erin!  I'll have to find out what she is up to these days.

Finale headaches!

Finale finally arrived today, but it was the academic version!  Um... first of all, I could have purchased that version for $200 less.  I spent the extra money for two reasons: I have no academic affiliation (required to register and use the software) and I will be selling my work product commercially!  I sent an inquiry to the seller then went to the dentist.  When I came back my husband informed me that our 3-year-old  had ripped open the box!  Now I'm wondering if I can return it at all!  The seal is broken; I can't prove that I didn't load the software on my computer.  I can't use it.  I might not be able to return it either.  And I over-paid for what my child opened by $200.  The full version is about $500 and the academic is roughly $300.  Man, I am so stressed.  I needed this 2 weeks ago!  I don't have time for this hassle!  My saving grace may simply be doing a chargeback through the credit card company, since the seller shipped the wrong product.  I'm not that familiar with Amazon Marketplace but they probably have some sort of appeal process too.

I got a nice note from Chara that was filled with encouragement and my husband also talked me up a bit and helped my slump.  I'm soldiering on; I'm just wondering when I'll actually get the Finale version that I need and can use.

Meanwhile I have been thinking a lot about the music that moves me.  Folk music with European influences (especially Ireland) comes to mind, and I think the influence is readily apparent in my sound.  It occurred to me today, however, that I've loved and enjoyed American folk music for as long as I can remember, and I sing it all the time.  I should do some arrangements of old folk tunes from both sides of the Atlantic - the songs that move me.  "Shenandoah" comes to mind, as well as "Greensleeves" and a couple of versions of "An Irish Blessing."  One thing I respect about Loreena McKennitt is her research; she travels to foreign lands, visits churches and libraries, researches histories and languages and then makes amazing music from the influence of the total culture.  I can only imagine the work that must have been involved in digging up "Bonny Portmore"!  That lovely song might have been lost to the ages were it not for her work!  Although I can't start traveling in search of inspiration at this time, I can do some research, and we'll see how the inspiration hits when I do.

Another thought is that my American Lit book from college is marked to kingdom come - I just loved so much of the literature in it, especially Emily Dickinson!  I think it would be worthwhile to crack it open again and perhaps set some old literature to music.

A Little Disappointed

I'm a bit disappointed in myself.    I'm still going ahead with the project, just taking a few days to wallow in self-pity, I guess.   I have fallen prey to self-doubt that I could get this project done at all, and the 2-month deadline is officially blown.  There's obviously no way that could happen at this point.  I'm still waiting for the Finale software to arrive and that was supposed to be here the 6th!  I'm going to see if I can track down the delivery tracking number and find out what's going on.

This isn't an excuse but... every time I turn around the house is in disarray.  I can't create in chaos.  Rather than writing, I stay up late at night cleaning and doing laundry.  The next day I feel bad that nothing got written but the house looks better before the kids attack it again.

Shakia hasn't been able to come over as often as I need her help, and the effect is obvious.  She is our angel of peace!  I say this because peace follows wherever she goes in our house.   I can walk into a room after she's been through and just... exhale.

Amazing things!

My college guitar instructor told me about DiscMakers and suggested getting my CDs done through them.  According to Roger, they'll not only deliver a product as good as anything you'd get from Sony, they also have packages that include the bar code, CD Baby pre-registration, iTunes setup, and registration with GraceNotes and other services (so when people pop your CD into the computer, the titles and artist info will fill in).  That is so great!  I went to the DiscMakers web site and put together a quote for what I think I will need.  When the project nears completion, I'm sure this will change, but it's good to know what this will cost.  They even do mastering and graphic design.  I'll keep that in mind!

The software is partially in place.  I still haven't received Finale, the big expensive one, but I now have TablEdit installed on my Mac and have begun wading through the tutorials and such.  The good thing about the project after this one is that I won't have to do this again, and I'll already have all the tools I need!

More song ideas keep piling in, so I'm taking them as they come, but it's harder to finish than to begin.  Still, I am filled with hope, and I'm excited for this journey, even though it is only beginning.

New Software

Well I was freezing so I decided to go outside and check the mail (it's 22 degrees outside).  That way, when I came back in, I would appreciate how warm it is in here.  That worked.  I was also pleased that some of the software I ordered, a program called Lyricist, had arrived.  Now I feel like an idiot, though: it doesn't work on Macs!  I'm not used to having this limitation.  I'm probably going to have to get Virtual PC on this Macbook because there are programs (and games) out there that I want to use but can't.

Shane's computer is sitting over there.  I guess I can install Lyricist on that.  Grr.  Oh and Noteworthy Composer doesn't work on Macs (unless it's used in conjunction with Virtual PC).  I had to re-order Tabledit for Macintosh because they sell it as a separate product from the Windows version!  Blech!  At least I got a discount.  Ah well, I now have two licenses - one for each computer in the home.

Finale is on the way.  I think it will be here later today.  That's the program I'll be doing the bulk of my work in, so I'm both thrilled that it's coming and daunted by the learning curve ahead.  I've used Finale before but it was years ago and I certainly wasn't a power user then!

Well since I can't use my cool new program (apart from installing it on Hubby's machine) I guess I'll go to bed.  It's my morning to sleep in, thank goodness!

Your Cross

I talked to a dear person who shall remain anonymous at this time - because of the sensitivity of what she is going through - the person whose recent trials have inspired "Your Cross".  She's been through more than some people could bear in the last year or so, particularly lately.  I let her read the lyrics to the first part of "Your Cross" and she approved.  The jist of the song is that I can't take her burden from her, but I can help hold her up so that she can bear it herself.  Here's what I have at the moment:

If I could take this from you

This pain that you're going through

I'd gladly take your burden

And make you whole again

But you alone can bear your pain and loss

Your cross

My loved one also had many kind words of encouragement about this project, which of course I need at this point!  More later.

Progress on Sail On

Oh my, I surprised myself.  I got a lot done on "Sail On"!  Two full verses plus... this is big.  Also, I realized while listening to Kate Rusby's "Who Will Sing Me Lullabies" that... it doesn't have to have a chorus!  The formulaic Nashville song type is absolutely overdone and does not necessarily a good song make.  "Sail On" has a beautiful, memorable hook and if I can get through the emotions to finish this in the next few days that would be the boost I really need: I'll have started, and finished, a single song within a week.  That would be a big accomplishment.  I have been too long out of practice; my songwriting muscles need stretching!  Writing what I did tonight didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.  God is great.

Sail On

I'm working on my song, "Sail On."  This particular song refers to that "what might have been" feeling that so many of us have about a relationship that never could have worked out in any alternate reality, yet for some reason - maybe there was no goodbye, or an unresolved issue - that pain comes back new whenever that person comes to mind.  This song is about choosing not to wait forever for a ship that will never come in.  It's a painful decision for so many, and not just in love relationships.  This song is about that one thing we can't give up that last shred of hope for - our favorite dirty little secret - the destructive weakness that we cannot stop longing for.  I think everyone that has really lived has at least one.  I have one, and I wish I didn't.  I pray all the time for the Lord to remove the hurt and the longing from me.  It hasn't happened but I've made progress, so I'm hoping that writing "Sail On" will help that along.

I wear my feelings openly.  It is nearly impossible for me to be the least bit nice to someone I don't like; I also can't turn off feelings of love and loyalty no matter what I try.  For example, I still love my first childhood friend (who also happened to be a crush later) - a boy up the street that I was close friends with from age 3 to age 11 when he moved about 15 miles away.  He didn't seem to care if we ever saw each other again after that; I still remember his birthday every year.  I stopped calling a long time ago, though.  It always hurt that I offered complete devotion and forever friendship to him and he only cared when I was around (readily) and was able to just drop me as soon as I was out of sight.  If he were to dig me up on Facebook or something today, I would be so thrilled, forgive him for everything and be able to offer 100% complete devoted friendship again.  That's just the type of friend I am.

My "what might have been" that is referred to by "Sail On" is about such a friend... but multiplied a hundred fold.  The relationship was so much deeper, more complex, and it was utterly wonderful.  I still mourn the friendship, the closeness, the emotional bond.  The person on the other end of the relationship would, I know, never contact me again.  It leaves me wondering... "Am I not smart enough?  Not talented enough?  Did I not offer the right advice?  What is wrong with me?"  I also wonder, "Why was I good enough to be your friend then, and not now?" --well, besides the obvious - I'm not around their hometown anymore -- but also, was I being used to begin with?  Even if I was, I cannot change my feelings of love, devotion and loyalty for this person no matter how hard I try.  I would give nearly anything just to talk to them again.  I literally get a pang of pain in my chest to think about them.  Literally, pain.  And sometimes tears.

So I pray for the grace and strength to change the way I feel and pray that if I ever were faced with this person again that I would behave in a way that would make the Savior proud.  I just wonder...  why do I seem to be emotionally hard-wired to be like this?  It makes for a very painful existence!  I still cry when recounting the loss of my first friend - and he moved away 22 years ago!  Is there anything I could ever do to change?

My father-in-law is really amazing to me because he overcame his, uh, hard-wired or instinctive reactions, or tendencies, and chose to change his behavior towards others.  I also believe he has been able to choose to change his feelings.  He's talked to me somewhat about these choices - I'm left awed that he was able to do such an amazing thing and baffled as to how he could do it.  I think I'm to the point that I can pretty well choose my reactions - but choosing my feelings isn't something I have ever, ever succeeded at.  I'm an emotional creature, 100%.  I want to learn to control my emotions - maybe then I wouldn't get hurt so much!  Lord, grant me the wisdom and grace to face the thing I want most yet know that is not for me, and say:

If that ship ever comes for me, sail on.

Deven

I met my friend Lynn when I was a freshman at Olivet College; she was taking a small break from school and had a 3-year-old son, Deven.  I fell in love with the kid immediately.  Although I could wax sentimental about him for hours, I'll just say he was a really cool kid.  Deven's all grown up now, himself an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Missouri and already an award-winning composer!  Until this past week, I hadn't seen him since he was a junior groomsman in my wedding when he was 11.

So Deven was in my area to visit his father and Lynn told me to call him up and see if he wanted to see me.  Wow!  What a thought!  So I checked with Deven and he made some time in his schedule, right before departing, to have a meal with me.  I found him so tall, socially conscious, funny, talented and just... too cool for his age.  At one point I even exclaimed, "Deven you are so cool!"  He responded, "I know," proving his deep humility.

I told Deven about this project and how I'm scoring out everything before heading the recording studio, then planning on offering the sheet music along with the CD.  "Send me the scores when you get them done," he said nonchalantly over burgers and root beer, "and I'll edit them for you."  I asked him if he was sure, because it would be a lot of scores, and I know he's very busy at school.  He insisted that he can handle it.  He also has more experience than I do with voicing the band and orchestral instruments, many of which have different clefs.

WHAT A GODSEND!  People are just falling into place right where I need them.  Makes me more than a little aware that heaven is on my side.

Anyway I dropped Deven off at the airport reluctantly.  I wanted to just take him home and keep him until the new semester started!  But alas, he has grown-up obligations.

How cool is this?  I'll give Deven credit on the sheet music, he gets a professional job to put on his resume and I'll give him a small stipend out of the budget (because it is a small budget).  Like I told him in an email - I'm glad to have him to help on my project while he is still cheap.  I mean, before he is famous!!!