Beautiful Journey

This journey has had a slower start than I would have liked, but I've noticed that the scenery is so much more lovely at a walk than at a gallop.  In a few days my baby daughter and I will be traveling to Salt Lake City, Utah.  She'll be spending the trip giving some baby love (and man does she give good baby love!) to loads of family members that are just dying to meet her.  I will be coming and going throughout our 9-day trip, spending much of my time there writing music.

What a privilege this is!  I am so excited!  Utah is a really magical place.  I think I would like to go on a car tour of the canyons and (weather permitting) even some of the mountain areas that can be reached by car.  There's a particular song I need to finish that I started when Shane and my heart moved back to Utah without me.  I languished over him and these lyrics were borne out of my pain:

My heart is breaking in Utah

Though my feet have never trodden there

And I wander Zion's lovely hills

In my mind I smell the mountain air

Sweet as a baby's breath

I smell the mountain air

The song has a really lovely, haunting melody and anyone that's ever heard it has loved it.  Shane and I have resolved our painful issues, married, lived in Utah for a number of years and have now moved away.  I'm hoping that a tour of Utah's lovely scenery will bring back some of those feelings - the sorrow and the hope - that kept me going all those years ago.

I also get the joy of watching my daughter fall in love with her cousins, aunts and uncles (and vice versa).  I always relish those first days together and first pictures.  Jill has renewed my belief in pre-mortal memories.  She lived with my parents for the first 13 months of her life and was naturally extremely close to them.  When she was 16 months old Nana and Papa visited us from Utah and met her for the first time.  To my utter delight, Jill met them as if she had known them for years and was overjoyed to meet them again!  She even refused to leave Nana's arms to come to Mommy - unheard of for her!  During that short visit the love and bond I witnessed between my daughter and her Nana and Papa was absolutely every bit as deep, cemented and real as her relationship with Grandma and Grandpa.  I swear this on everything I know: babies remember heaven!  We knew one another before we were born, because we were there, too.

This is going to be a wonderful trip.

Taking another trip!

I took Shane's suggestion and booked a flight for myself & my daughter Jill, 19 months, to visit Utah between January 27 and February 5.  While there I'll be spending some time with Erin Schefer, a friend from my days in Orlando, Florida.  She's a phenomenal songwriter and generally an amazing person.  I can't wait to see her!  I'm going to see how many of my other musical friends I can reconnect with while I'm in town.

This will also be the first time that most of Shane's family will be able to meet Jill!  I know they'll miss the boys but also that they will have a great time getting to know Jilly Bean.  I'm also excited to be able to meet the other 3 babies that were born in 2007!  Heh heh heh, I'm gonna get me some baby love!!!

So I'll be traveling with Jilly... and suitcases... and probably a car seat... probably no hope of bringing my guitar.   Waaaah!

Starting a Record Label

Hey, isn't the World Wide Web the handiest thing ever?  I typed "How do I start a record label?" into Google and found this article which explains in detail how to start a record label.  As it turns out, independent artists are effectively becoming a record label when they release their own music, whether or not they formally start their label as a business.  Good, I'm on the right track!  Seems there's lots of other interesting links to check out another time when it isn't 5 in the morning.  Good thing I've already had 5 hours of sleep!  I think at this point I could get up with the kids and give hubby a much-desired sleep-in.  Grady doesn't have school today so we can all stay in our pajamas.  I'll play my new song for the kids when they wake up!  Oh, Evan is sleeping on Jill's Tinkerbell couch in the living room tonight.  I have been sitting on the couch, alternately playing my guitar (softly) and typing on my laptop.  At one point he sat up, but remained asleep.  He would start to slump over, catch himself, start to fall over the other way, catch himself again... this went on for like 5 minutes.  I was laughing so hard that I'm surprised he didn't wake up!  Now he's comfortably laying down again and doesn't seem bothered in the least by my small amount of noise.

Overflowing

I'm writing a pretty song tonight.  It's so me.  The narrator beckons her lover to meet her in Camelot - to leave behind winter, bondage, distance or whatever else keeps them apart and meet her in the only perfect place they will ever know - their dreams.

I reconnected with an old friend from Florida tonight.  That was cool.  I need to reach out to those who have always loved and supported my music and who have encouraged me to create my CD and to share it with the world.

Just tonight I started tossing around a new idea.  This is kind of outrageous to me, but... it could work!  What if I made a video of me singing each song and put it on YouTube.  People who follow this blog will be able to follow all the songs as they come out, listen to everything and help me decide which tunes go on the CD!  I could either do that by voting or by sheer number of plays on each video.  That way I would be in touch with what people like and I could invest the time and money into developing the songs that are really touching people.  This could also give people a chance to discover me and generate a little interest as things go along.  When the CD has finished production and is at DiscMakers getting finished, I could start taking pre-orders so that the first press of the CD won't have to sit around - as soon as it's available from DiscMakers, Shakia and I can start shipping them.

I can't believe I'm going to be on CD Baby and on iTunes simultaneously with my first CD release.  My ringtones will even be available for sale!  Is this insane or what?  I never dreamed this could be possible when I was young.  All I knew was that Merle Haggard had given me the dream of becoming a songwriter the moment I first heard "This Song is Mine" in 1981 (I turned 6 that year).  I didn't want to be Merle, but I loved what he wrote and decided that someday I, too, would be able to write music like he did.  Man, what I wouldn't give to meet Merle and tell him that!

Well off I go to work on "Camelot" some more, and perhaps on "Wholeness of Heart."

Wholeness of Heart!

I can't believe this!  I decided to buy a new wallet today.  While transferring my cards, stamps and other miscellany into the new wallet, I discovered a piece of paper that I'd stuffed into the nether regions of the old wallet.  I pulled out the paper, unfolded it and exclaimed, "I forgot all about this song.  This is a good one!"  There in red ink with purple chord notations was my song, "Wholeness of Heart."  It isn't dated, but I know I wrote it when we lived in Utah, probably around 2005.  I was writing it about my reaction to Shane's marriage proposal.

If you will hold me

With loving kindness

Need me more than you need breath

If you will love me

With no end or start

And a wholeness of your heart

And a wholeness of heart

If I ever wrote a love song, this is it.  Of course, I remember the tune now that I see what I wrote and I could sort this out with a little time at a piano or keyboard because I have the chord notations.  I'm so excited to see this!

This reminds me of something Chara suggested.  I told her that I have 3 boxes of precious things left in Utah, and that I believe I have my 200 or so songs that I wrote in high school among those things, plus a plethora of song ideas, many of which are really good.  I always got the best song ideas while dreaming and during periods of prolific creativity I would wake up with a new idea every day.  But I digress.  Chara said that getting the songs and ideas from the precious things boxes would be critical to getting this album done.  Actually, I really feel it will be the watershed moment for the project and a huge turning point in my life - coming back to myself, writing again, and reconnecting with music I wrote eons ago but haven't played in forever.

I sent a mail to my mother-in-law asking her when she can come back, but Shane suggested instead that I take Jill and make a trip to Utah.  I can get the precious things, spend some time writing and the family can meet the baby.  Maybe if I do that I can spend some time with Erin!  I'll have to find out what she is up to these days.

Finale headaches!

Finale finally arrived today, but it was the academic version!  Um... first of all, I could have purchased that version for $200 less.  I spent the extra money for two reasons: I have no academic affiliation (required to register and use the software) and I will be selling my work product commercially!  I sent an inquiry to the seller then went to the dentist.  When I came back my husband informed me that our 3-year-old  had ripped open the box!  Now I'm wondering if I can return it at all!  The seal is broken; I can't prove that I didn't load the software on my computer.  I can't use it.  I might not be able to return it either.  And I over-paid for what my child opened by $200.  The full version is about $500 and the academic is roughly $300.  Man, I am so stressed.  I needed this 2 weeks ago!  I don't have time for this hassle!  My saving grace may simply be doing a chargeback through the credit card company, since the seller shipped the wrong product.  I'm not that familiar with Amazon Marketplace but they probably have some sort of appeal process too.

I got a nice note from Chara that was filled with encouragement and my husband also talked me up a bit and helped my slump.  I'm soldiering on; I'm just wondering when I'll actually get the Finale version that I need and can use.

Meanwhile I have been thinking a lot about the music that moves me.  Folk music with European influences (especially Ireland) comes to mind, and I think the influence is readily apparent in my sound.  It occurred to me today, however, that I've loved and enjoyed American folk music for as long as I can remember, and I sing it all the time.  I should do some arrangements of old folk tunes from both sides of the Atlantic - the songs that move me.  "Shenandoah" comes to mind, as well as "Greensleeves" and a couple of versions of "An Irish Blessing."  One thing I respect about Loreena McKennitt is her research; she travels to foreign lands, visits churches and libraries, researches histories and languages and then makes amazing music from the influence of the total culture.  I can only imagine the work that must have been involved in digging up "Bonny Portmore"!  That lovely song might have been lost to the ages were it not for her work!  Although I can't start traveling in search of inspiration at this time, I can do some research, and we'll see how the inspiration hits when I do.

Another thought is that my American Lit book from college is marked to kingdom come - I just loved so much of the literature in it, especially Emily Dickinson!  I think it would be worthwhile to crack it open again and perhaps set some old literature to music.

A Little Disappointed

I'm a bit disappointed in myself.    I'm still going ahead with the project, just taking a few days to wallow in self-pity, I guess.   I have fallen prey to self-doubt that I could get this project done at all, and the 2-month deadline is officially blown.  There's obviously no way that could happen at this point.  I'm still waiting for the Finale software to arrive and that was supposed to be here the 6th!  I'm going to see if I can track down the delivery tracking number and find out what's going on.

This isn't an excuse but... every time I turn around the house is in disarray.  I can't create in chaos.  Rather than writing, I stay up late at night cleaning and doing laundry.  The next day I feel bad that nothing got written but the house looks better before the kids attack it again.

Shakia hasn't been able to come over as often as I need her help, and the effect is obvious.  She is our angel of peace!  I say this because peace follows wherever she goes in our house.   I can walk into a room after she's been through and just... exhale.

Amazing things!

My college guitar instructor told me about DiscMakers and suggested getting my CDs done through them.  According to Roger, they'll not only deliver a product as good as anything you'd get from Sony, they also have packages that include the bar code, CD Baby pre-registration, iTunes setup, and registration with GraceNotes and other services (so when people pop your CD into the computer, the titles and artist info will fill in).  That is so great!  I went to the DiscMakers web site and put together a quote for what I think I will need.  When the project nears completion, I'm sure this will change, but it's good to know what this will cost.  They even do mastering and graphic design.  I'll keep that in mind!

The software is partially in place.  I still haven't received Finale, the big expensive one, but I now have TablEdit installed on my Mac and have begun wading through the tutorials and such.  The good thing about the project after this one is that I won't have to do this again, and I'll already have all the tools I need!

More song ideas keep piling in, so I'm taking them as they come, but it's harder to finish than to begin.  Still, I am filled with hope, and I'm excited for this journey, even though it is only beginning.

New Software

Well I was freezing so I decided to go outside and check the mail (it's 22 degrees outside).  That way, when I came back in, I would appreciate how warm it is in here.  That worked.  I was also pleased that some of the software I ordered, a program called Lyricist, had arrived.  Now I feel like an idiot, though: it doesn't work on Macs!  I'm not used to having this limitation.  I'm probably going to have to get Virtual PC on this Macbook because there are programs (and games) out there that I want to use but can't.

Shane's computer is sitting over there.  I guess I can install Lyricist on that.  Grr.  Oh and Noteworthy Composer doesn't work on Macs (unless it's used in conjunction with Virtual PC).  I had to re-order Tabledit for Macintosh because they sell it as a separate product from the Windows version!  Blech!  At least I got a discount.  Ah well, I now have two licenses - one for each computer in the home.

Finale is on the way.  I think it will be here later today.  That's the program I'll be doing the bulk of my work in, so I'm both thrilled that it's coming and daunted by the learning curve ahead.  I've used Finale before but it was years ago and I certainly wasn't a power user then!

Well since I can't use my cool new program (apart from installing it on Hubby's machine) I guess I'll go to bed.  It's my morning to sleep in, thank goodness!

Your Cross

I talked to a dear person who shall remain anonymous at this time - because of the sensitivity of what she is going through - the person whose recent trials have inspired "Your Cross".  She's been through more than some people could bear in the last year or so, particularly lately.  I let her read the lyrics to the first part of "Your Cross" and she approved.  The jist of the song is that I can't take her burden from her, but I can help hold her up so that she can bear it herself.  Here's what I have at the moment:

If I could take this from you

This pain that you're going through

I'd gladly take your burden

And make you whole again

But you alone can bear your pain and loss

Your cross

My loved one also had many kind words of encouragement about this project, which of course I need at this point!  More later.

Progress on Sail On

Oh my, I surprised myself.  I got a lot done on "Sail On"!  Two full verses plus... this is big.  Also, I realized while listening to Kate Rusby's "Who Will Sing Me Lullabies" that... it doesn't have to have a chorus!  The formulaic Nashville song type is absolutely overdone and does not necessarily a good song make.  "Sail On" has a beautiful, memorable hook and if I can get through the emotions to finish this in the next few days that would be the boost I really need: I'll have started, and finished, a single song within a week.  That would be a big accomplishment.  I have been too long out of practice; my songwriting muscles need stretching!  Writing what I did tonight didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.  God is great.

Sail On

I'm working on my song, "Sail On."  This particular song refers to that "what might have been" feeling that so many of us have about a relationship that never could have worked out in any alternate reality, yet for some reason - maybe there was no goodbye, or an unresolved issue - that pain comes back new whenever that person comes to mind.  This song is about choosing not to wait forever for a ship that will never come in.  It's a painful decision for so many, and not just in love relationships.  This song is about that one thing we can't give up that last shred of hope for - our favorite dirty little secret - the destructive weakness that we cannot stop longing for.  I think everyone that has really lived has at least one.  I have one, and I wish I didn't.  I pray all the time for the Lord to remove the hurt and the longing from me.  It hasn't happened but I've made progress, so I'm hoping that writing "Sail On" will help that along.

I wear my feelings openly.  It is nearly impossible for me to be the least bit nice to someone I don't like; I also can't turn off feelings of love and loyalty no matter what I try.  For example, I still love my first childhood friend (who also happened to be a crush later) - a boy up the street that I was close friends with from age 3 to age 11 when he moved about 15 miles away.  He didn't seem to care if we ever saw each other again after that; I still remember his birthday every year.  I stopped calling a long time ago, though.  It always hurt that I offered complete devotion and forever friendship to him and he only cared when I was around (readily) and was able to just drop me as soon as I was out of sight.  If he were to dig me up on Facebook or something today, I would be so thrilled, forgive him for everything and be able to offer 100% complete devoted friendship again.  That's just the type of friend I am.

My "what might have been" that is referred to by "Sail On" is about such a friend... but multiplied a hundred fold.  The relationship was so much deeper, more complex, and it was utterly wonderful.  I still mourn the friendship, the closeness, the emotional bond.  The person on the other end of the relationship would, I know, never contact me again.  It leaves me wondering... "Am I not smart enough?  Not talented enough?  Did I not offer the right advice?  What is wrong with me?"  I also wonder, "Why was I good enough to be your friend then, and not now?" --well, besides the obvious - I'm not around their hometown anymore -- but also, was I being used to begin with?  Even if I was, I cannot change my feelings of love, devotion and loyalty for this person no matter how hard I try.  I would give nearly anything just to talk to them again.  I literally get a pang of pain in my chest to think about them.  Literally, pain.  And sometimes tears.

So I pray for the grace and strength to change the way I feel and pray that if I ever were faced with this person again that I would behave in a way that would make the Savior proud.  I just wonder...  why do I seem to be emotionally hard-wired to be like this?  It makes for a very painful existence!  I still cry when recounting the loss of my first friend - and he moved away 22 years ago!  Is there anything I could ever do to change?

My father-in-law is really amazing to me because he overcame his, uh, hard-wired or instinctive reactions, or tendencies, and chose to change his behavior towards others.  I also believe he has been able to choose to change his feelings.  He's talked to me somewhat about these choices - I'm left awed that he was able to do such an amazing thing and baffled as to how he could do it.  I think I'm to the point that I can pretty well choose my reactions - but choosing my feelings isn't something I have ever, ever succeeded at.  I'm an emotional creature, 100%.  I want to learn to control my emotions - maybe then I wouldn't get hurt so much!  Lord, grant me the wisdom and grace to face the thing I want most yet know that is not for me, and say:

If that ship ever comes for me, sail on.

Deven

I met my friend Lynn when I was a freshman at Olivet College; she was taking a small break from school and had a 3-year-old son, Deven.  I fell in love with the kid immediately.  Although I could wax sentimental about him for hours, I'll just say he was a really cool kid.  Deven's all grown up now, himself an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Missouri and already an award-winning composer!  Until this past week, I hadn't seen him since he was a junior groomsman in my wedding when he was 11.

So Deven was in my area to visit his father and Lynn told me to call him up and see if he wanted to see me.  Wow!  What a thought!  So I checked with Deven and he made some time in his schedule, right before departing, to have a meal with me.  I found him so tall, socially conscious, funny, talented and just... too cool for his age.  At one point I even exclaimed, "Deven you are so cool!"  He responded, "I know," proving his deep humility.

I told Deven about this project and how I'm scoring out everything before heading the recording studio, then planning on offering the sheet music along with the CD.  "Send me the scores when you get them done," he said nonchalantly over burgers and root beer, "and I'll edit them for you."  I asked him if he was sure, because it would be a lot of scores, and I know he's very busy at school.  He insisted that he can handle it.  He also has more experience than I do with voicing the band and orchestral instruments, many of which have different clefs.

WHAT A GODSEND!  People are just falling into place right where I need them.  Makes me more than a little aware that heaven is on my side.

Anyway I dropped Deven off at the airport reluctantly.  I wanted to just take him home and keep him until the new semester started!  But alas, he has grown-up obligations.

How cool is this?  I'll give Deven credit on the sheet music, he gets a professional job to put on his resume and I'll give him a small stipend out of the budget (because it is a small budget).  Like I told him in an email - I'm glad to have him to help on my project while he is still cheap.  I mean, before he is famous!!!