Sail On

I'm working on my song, "Sail On."  This particular song refers to that "what might have been" feeling that so many of us have about a relationship that never could have worked out in any alternate reality, yet for some reason - maybe there was no goodbye, or an unresolved issue - that pain comes back new whenever that person comes to mind.  This song is about choosing not to wait forever for a ship that will never come in.  It's a painful decision for so many, and not just in love relationships.  This song is about that one thing we can't give up that last shred of hope for - our favorite dirty little secret - the destructive weakness that we cannot stop longing for.  I think everyone that has really lived has at least one.  I have one, and I wish I didn't.  I pray all the time for the Lord to remove the hurt and the longing from me.  It hasn't happened but I've made progress, so I'm hoping that writing "Sail On" will help that along.

I wear my feelings openly.  It is nearly impossible for me to be the least bit nice to someone I don't like; I also can't turn off feelings of love and loyalty no matter what I try.  For example, I still love my first childhood friend (who also happened to be a crush later) - a boy up the street that I was close friends with from age 3 to age 11 when he moved about 15 miles away.  He didn't seem to care if we ever saw each other again after that; I still remember his birthday every year.  I stopped calling a long time ago, though.  It always hurt that I offered complete devotion and forever friendship to him and he only cared when I was around (readily) and was able to just drop me as soon as I was out of sight.  If he were to dig me up on Facebook or something today, I would be so thrilled, forgive him for everything and be able to offer 100% complete devoted friendship again.  That's just the type of friend I am.

My "what might have been" that is referred to by "Sail On" is about such a friend... but multiplied a hundred fold.  The relationship was so much deeper, more complex, and it was utterly wonderful.  I still mourn the friendship, the closeness, the emotional bond.  The person on the other end of the relationship would, I know, never contact me again.  It leaves me wondering... "Am I not smart enough?  Not talented enough?  Did I not offer the right advice?  What is wrong with me?"  I also wonder, "Why was I good enough to be your friend then, and not now?" --well, besides the obvious - I'm not around their hometown anymore -- but also, was I being used to begin with?  Even if I was, I cannot change my feelings of love, devotion and loyalty for this person no matter how hard I try.  I would give nearly anything just to talk to them again.  I literally get a pang of pain in my chest to think about them.  Literally, pain.  And sometimes tears.

So I pray for the grace and strength to change the way I feel and pray that if I ever were faced with this person again that I would behave in a way that would make the Savior proud.  I just wonder...  why do I seem to be emotionally hard-wired to be like this?  It makes for a very painful existence!  I still cry when recounting the loss of my first friend - and he moved away 22 years ago!  Is there anything I could ever do to change?

My father-in-law is really amazing to me because he overcame his, uh, hard-wired or instinctive reactions, or tendencies, and chose to change his behavior towards others.  I also believe he has been able to choose to change his feelings.  He's talked to me somewhat about these choices - I'm left awed that he was able to do such an amazing thing and baffled as to how he could do it.  I think I'm to the point that I can pretty well choose my reactions - but choosing my feelings isn't something I have ever, ever succeeded at.  I'm an emotional creature, 100%.  I want to learn to control my emotions - maybe then I wouldn't get hurt so much!  Lord, grant me the wisdom and grace to face the thing I want most yet know that is not for me, and say:

If that ship ever comes for me, sail on.